An Inquiry Into the Nature of CharacterBashing
by Rhianwen
Summary: The story of a beautiful young girl overcoming the shadows of her past to find happiness with the man of her dreams. In which Alex isn't wasted on Gina, Gwen isn't wasted on Bob, and all those icky unworthies get their comeuppance. Surprise pairings!


An Inquiry Into the Consequences of Character-Bashing

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Summary: The story of a beautiful young girl overcoming the shadows of her past to find happiness with the man of her dreams. In which Alex isn't wasted on Gina, Gwen isn't wasted on Bob, and all those icky unworthies get their come-uppance. Surprise pairings! ;)

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Once upon a time, in a faraway land known as The City, there was a beautiful and saintly young lady named Gina. For as long as Gina could remember, she had lived in the shadows, always defined by her relationship to others, always in subservience to those who called themselves her _friends_.

Dia, for example. Dia considered herself quite the fine lady, deserving of a whole multitude of servants, but as no one wanted the job, as that would have required being around Dia, Gina was forced into the role, which she did pleasantly and sweetly, despite the complete lack of pay.

Not earning any sort of salary for her backbreaking labour, Gina had spent every spare second she had once Dia was satisfied that her attendant had attended enough, or was simply bored of throwing things at her, knitting potholders.

These potholders were glorious, true perfection in potholder form, but sadly, potholders were in surprisingly low demand, considering the amount of pots, or even pot, generally used in the average City, and thus it was to be not until her nineteenth year that Gina had finally saved up enough money to open a Sanitarium in a beautiful little village known as Flower Bud. She had thought, from her first year with Dia, that the frail, sickly young woman might find her health improved by the country air, and despite the fact that neither Dia's parents, who were too busy gallivanting the world with their respective lovers, or Dia, who was too busy squandering her inheritance on pretty dresses and books and tea sets and dolls, bothered to provide any money for the purpose, Gina was determined to do the best she could for her friend.

And so, off they went to Flowerbud Village.

When Gina met the handsome young doctor, Alex, her heart skipped a beat, and it seemed to her that her fairytale was finally coming true. For the good doctor had taken one look at her, nineteen and beautiful despite the rags and silly hairstyle Dia insisted she wear that Gina's beauty might not shine out softly to overshadow her own, and fallen irrevocably in love with her.

Or so it seemed. For despite his good looks and pretty city ways, the doctor was completely and utterly without a soul. Thus it was that, two weeks after the romance began, Gina found herself once again locked in a soul-sucking cage of slavery.

On this particular beautiful summer morning, Gina was on her way to the Blue Sky Ranch to buy some eggs for breakfast, which Dia had demanded, and then over to Ladybug Farm to attempt to wheedle some very nice turnips from that farmer, Vickie, for Alex's breakfast order. As she made her quiet and decorous way down the little cobblestone path, she sang, sweetly and beautifully, and before long, a little sparrow had lighted on her finger to join her in song.

Such fun was Gina having with her little animal friends – the sparrow, as well as the bunny, kitty, squirrel, and unicorn that had joined her for the walk – that her troubles were forgotten in an instant, and it came as quite a surprise to her when she reached the farm.

At the door to the farmhouse, she stopped. Dia had ordered her eggs very, very fresh; to be on the safe side, she had best ask for eggs laid just this morning. Perhaps that nice Blue would help her out. Everyone said he was so sulky and withdrawn, but he had never been anything but kind and helpful to her, perhaps because she was such friends with his beloved cousin and girlfriend, Ellen.

Because after all, sweet adorable little saints had to stick together.

Thus deciding, Gina hopped briskly over the fence into the pasture, and made her way into the chicken coop.

There, she found not Blue, but a tall, muscular young man, hair thick and black as the night sky, eyes sparkling with warmth, kindness, and strength.

Bob, she believed his name was, although she had never had opportunity to speak to him before, aside from very briefly while signing for deliveries at the Clinic – Alex would never have her socializing with other men for fear that she should notice that utter soulnessness was not normal in a man, and become discontented.

"Um, hello," Gina greeted politely, her mouth inexplicably gone dry, hands shaking slightly.

"Good morning, Miss Gina," Bob greeted even more gently than he might ordinarily when he saw her unease. "How can I help you?"

_Take me now, and don't be gentle_, Gina longed to scream, overwhelmed by this vision of beauty in male form. But she could never betray Alex that way, and as she recalled, Bob was likewise attached to that pretty Gwen girl at the Inn.

"Um, I was just wondering about buying some fresh eggs from the ranch," she finally managed. "Do you know where Blue or Ellen might be?"

"Ellen is right here," a cheerful, friendly voice chirped from the doorway of the coop, "thinking what a cute couple you two make."

"Oh, no, Ellen, you must be mistaken," Gina protested hurriedly, flushing sweetly pink. "I'm with the doctor. You know that."

"And Gwen and I are an item now; didn't you hear?" Bob added, feeling his stomach clench even as he said it.

Gwen…how he loathed the mere thought of her. She had entrapped him into a relationship of give and take. By that, of course, meaning that he would give, and she would take. After all, she was one of the prettiest girls in town, and he was lucky to have the chance to so much as lick her boots, let alone _date_ her. He would be mad to refuse. But the belittlement and abuse he endured at her hands was quickly leading him to wonder if perhaps he wasn't mad to accept.

Admittedly, she was beautiful, in an overblown, too obvious sort of way. And then there was Gina.

…

And then there was Gina.

Sweet, pure-hearted, generous, and giving. And one hell of a body, now that he took a second – and third, fourth, and fifth – look. Beautiful, shimmering pale blue hair that a man could bury his hands and drown his sorrows in. Warm amber-brown eyes that shone with love and glimmered with a secret, hidden sense of humour.

"There's been a mistake, alright," Ellen said grimly. "But it wasn't mine. It was you two, agreeing to go anywhere near those jerks you call lovers. They treat you like hell, and you just go back for more."

"But you don't understand, Ellen," Bob said wearily. "I'm lucky to be allowed to breathe the same air as Gwen – she tells me that all the time."

"Strange," Gina said with a frown. "Alex tells me the same thing."

"Grrgh," Ellen said calmly. "That's why you need to leave their sorry butts and find true happiness together! That's what Blue and I did. Although, in our case, it wasn't because anyone was evil; and it all worked out, because now Katie is sleeping with Carl, and Joe is sleeping with Lyla, and Louis is sleeping with Ann! So, everyone's happy!"

"Oh, Ellen, I would if I could, but I have my career to think of," Gina protested sadly. "Not to imply that I'm whoring myself for a job, because I would never do that. I do work very hard for my meager pay, in between the doctor's demands for sexual favours."

"Alright, enough bewildering and more or less pointless chatter!" Ellen barked, morphing from adorable to terrifying in an instant. "I want you two, up against the wall, having hot jungle sex right now, or I'm going to go break all Dia's dolls and tell her Gina did it, and forge a love letter from Bob to the weather girl, Nami, and leave it where Gwen can find it!"

"She'll kill me!" Bob and Gina gasped in unison.

"Then let's hear some ripping clothes," Ellen suggested with a grin.

And so, not because they would have dreamed of wanting to be unfaithful to their respective unworthy lovers, because both were simply far too good and kind for this, but because of Ellen's diabolically clever threat that remained nevertheless in their best interests, Bob took Gina in his arms – such muscular, powerful arms, so unlike those twigs the doctor had – and kissed her.

At first, the kiss was hesitant, but soon enough neither could fight the passion sparking and flaring between them, and her hand tangled in his hair as his hand tangled in her skirts.

"Well, my work here is done," Ellen chirped, sauntering happily from the chicken coop, pausing only to shut the door tightly behind her.

"What are you up to?" a deep voice, gruff but alight with humour, demanded.

She gave a little squeak of surprise and wheeled about to face the newcomer.

"Hi, Blue!" she greeted warmly, snuggling into his arms. "Just doing a little match-making."

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Meanwhile, Alex was growing weary of listening to Martha and Dia discussing their aches and pains, and arguing about who had it worse.

For heaven's sakes, at least Martha was elderly, and might genuinely be troubled by rheumatism; Dia, he strongly suspected, was simply a whiny little bitch.

And besides that, Gina was taking altogether too long to fetch a few turnips for breakfast. At this rate, there would be no chance of having a quick go on top of his desk before his first appointment.

Muttering something decidedly impolite, he stood up so abruptly that his chair shot back into the wall, and stormed from the Clinic.

Damn it all, he was hungry, too. Both for turnips, and for…other things. For despite possessing a big black hole where his soul ought to have been, he did have an eye for a pretty lady, and Gina was one hell of a pretty lady, and besides that, possessed the sweet, passive, easily-abused nature than any soulless son-of-a-bitch would adore in a woman.

As he turned past the Blue Sky Ranch, he noticed a small army of cute, fuzzy woodland creatures congregating outside, and his eyes narrowed.

Ah. So she was here. Hadn't he told her in no uncertain terms to ignore Dia's whiny little request, let her make her own damn breakfast with the days that the spoiled rich-bitch otherwise spent doing absolutely nothing aside from angsting at how bad she had it?

Deciding that a little training would be necessary to get his lovely Gina back on track, the doctor stormed through the pastures, and into the chicken coop…

…only to feel the heart he didn't have shatter into a million pieces at the sight of _his_ blue-haired beauty pinned tightly against the wall of the coop, skirts up around her waist, legs clinging tightly around that brutish man's, begging desperately for more.

Not that he had anything in particular against hearing Gina beg. But damn it, her begging was supposed to be reserved solely for him, when he threatened to turn her over to Dia for a Girl's Night if she failed to carry out a simple request.

But enough reflection. There were outraged demands to make.

"What are you doing?" he demanded, enraged.

"Can't talk," Gina gasped. "Having amazing sex with Bob."

"Well—stop it!"

"I don't think they'll be doing that," Ellen called from behind him with a slightly sinister giggle. "Haven't you heard? Gina's been promoted from your _servant-girl_ to Bob's _girlfriend_."

The doctor considered this.

"Oh. Well, I suppose that's nice for her; she's a good girl, and a wonderful helper, and deserves all the happiness in—wait a second, what am I saying! Such an attitude would be in-character, and in-character behaviour has no place in a fanfiction! Gina! You will cease and desist in your erotic, yet doubtlessly entirely pure and angelic coupling with this man possessing a far better body than me, and come back to the Clinic with me right now! If you obey immediately, I might go easy on you."

"She's not listening," Ellen informed him mildly. "To be honest, I don't think I'd listen to you if I was in the middle of fantastic sex. Or doing anything else. Or just sort of sitting there."

He wheeled on her furiously.

"Will you go away!"

"She's the one who lives here, man," Blue informed him forebodingly, sauntering into the coop.

Human endurance could…er, endure no more. With a howl of rage, Alex hurled himself at the passionate couple and slapped Bob weakly.

When this, predictably, as he was a pathetic weakling, didn't work, he tried to tear Bob away from Gina, and then changed tactics and tried to tear Gina away from Bob.

As Gina was girlishly delicate, this was far easier to accomplish, and the inexplicably helpless beauty wept and protested at being separated from the man that she just _knew_, after half an hour of mind-blowing lovemaking, that she dearly loved.

Bob, who had come rapidly to a similar conclusion, and could not stand to see his newfound love miserable, growled and rolled up his sleeves, which looked rather silly, as his shirt was sleeveless, because that looks hotter.

And so did the big, buff hero of our tale pummel the evil doctor, until the evil doctor wept and pleaded for mercy, as he is a wussy little momma's boy, ha ha ha.

When Bob finally showed him the mercy he asked for, he staggered to his feet.

"But _now_ who am I going to go out with?" he asked plaintively.

"That's not for us to know," Bob sneered. "Don't know of a woman in this town that deserves _that_ kinda punishment."

"I might know of a few viral infections," Ellen giggled, for some reason still watching the drama (or reasonable facsimile thereof) from the doorway.

"Dia?" he suggested, looking hopefully at the dark-haired girl who had inexplicably appeared next to Ellen. "You're a poor substitute for Gina, but a poor substitute is better than no substitute."

Dia scoffed.

"Pff, don't look at me. I'm dating Kurt, remember?"

"Yeah," Kurt, lurking just behind her, agreed sadly. Alas, he had realized too late, now that she was lost to him forever, just how madly in love he was with Gina, after all. But, as Gina had found true love with Bob, and as he would rather cut off his arm and cast it from him than hurt her, he would endure his loveless relationship with Dia.

For her.

"Dammit!" said Alex, and went back to the Clinic where he was forcibly bedded by Martha, the only woman in town that would look twice at him, yock-yock.

"Hey, what's all this racket about?" a new voice demanded from the door.

Bob's blood turned to ice – in a metaphorical sense, of course, as having your skin pierced by ice crystals isn't sexy at all, and is really kind of icky. He knew that voice.

"Gwen!" he noted aloud, mostly in the interest of exposition.

"Yeah, that's me," Gwen agreed, one eyebrow raised. "So, what's going on?"

Bob drew in a deep breath. This would be hard, and terrifying, and likely bring about someone's death, but for Gina, he had to do it.

"Gwen, I need to break up. I—I've kind of met someone."

Gwen pondered this for a long moment. Then she shrugged.

"Oh. Okay. See you."

"That was kind of insulting," Bob noted curiously, before completely losing interest in anything outside of the beautiful silvery sheen of Gina's hair and the warm honey tones of her eyes.

"I think it's time for us to go, too," said Ellen, before dragging Blue into the house for some (carefully quiet) passionate "pillow-fighting", as they had come to term it in the interest of not bringing down the wrath of Hank upon them, should he find that there were goings-on occurring beneath his roof, and between his daughter and his nephew.

"And now that we're alone," Bob grinned, taking his blue-haired goddess once again in his arms.

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"Hey, Uncle Doug, I'm back," Gwen called absently as she hurried through the door of the Inn and bounded up the stairs, mind already racing with anticipation at the thought of spending a little quality time with her lover.

"Hey, kid," the redhead greeted with a tiny, quirky little smile, wrapping milk-white arms around her from behind and kissing her ear lightly.

Gwen shivered delightedly, and then pulled away slightly and grinned over her shoulder.

"Hey, Weather Girl."

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And the moral of the story is, if you really feel the need to engage in nasty, spiteful, and blatantly stupid character-bashing, do everyone the courtesy of including a warning in the summary, lest someone else go through the pain of reading a fic like this.

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End Notes: And that's a wrap. But a wrap-skirt is a definite fashion don't. Or so I'm told.

That aside, am I the only one who thinks that Bob is totally, totally hot? Or that Gwen/Nami would be the cutest thing ever? Although Gwen/Ellen would be awfully cute, too...


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